somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
