This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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