did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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