I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
In America we eat man semen.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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