it was like his penis was on wheels.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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