If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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