someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
