I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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