Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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