I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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