my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
