True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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