Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
