I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
