So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
