Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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