three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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