i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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