I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
