it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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