I wish I could punch you in the face.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
