just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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