You smell like a Billy Joel song
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
