I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
