4 words: hood of his car
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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