just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
