I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
