i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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