You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
