Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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