you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
