I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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