I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
