You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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