Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
