i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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