everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
