...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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