i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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