I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
