thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
