so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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