You can't special order awesome
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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