He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
