you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
