so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
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Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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