How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
