see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
