I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize