dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
