what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
