Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
