I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
