hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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