you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
