She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
